I have written about 5 blogs over the past 3 months...and didn't post any of them. I don't think I have 'writer's block' because I actually wrote quite a bit on each of them...
But. I have just had so much on my mind the past few months...that trying to put any of it into a single entry was almost impossible for my brain. Hence the reason, most of the entries stopped in the middle...
So, AFTER Six Months of living in NYC/Staten Island...
This is what I have learned...
Being away from HOME, the South, KNOWING PEOPLE, having a job, knowing my way around places...
has been the BIGGEST step in my life thus far.
I've always liked the song 'One Step at a Time' by Jordin Sparks. Seemed to come on at the most random times in the past few years. Always reminding me that all I have to do is take ONE step...at a time. That's all! Just one. Well, this wasn't just your average 'step'. It was a very very tall step. Eventually you think you'll get all the way on it with both feet, but I had the hardest time getting onto it. ha...should I stop trying to use this metaphor?? I will. :)
Point is. My reality was, I felt very distanced from almost everything...from the people I loved. Even from PEOPLE in general. And sometimes even distanced from Myself. But the worst part was that somehow I didn't even notice that I was feeling 'distance' from God...not like it was His fault. I had just let my stress and worrying mind get the best of me. Distracting me from what God was trying to show me. I mean, I had my days when I had SO much faith...and others when I was like, "what did I do coming here?"....honestly.
This past month...the month before my visit back home...was actually the hardest.
All I had was questions. And my mental stress/pain/worry....started showing itself physically. My questions were... "Why am I here?" "What do you want me to do?" "Did I pick the right degree?" "Do I need to figure out a new dream?" "Why is it so hard to make friends here?" "What can I do to figure out my next step??" "Danielle, what is NEXT?" From asking God...to planning it myself...
Ha...like I became a planner of my life?? When did I decide THAT?
Then last weekend...when I was off...because I frequently am...(another stresser)...I felt sick. My "mind stress" made me feel nauseous allllll that week. EHHH....don't even wanna get into that. So last saturday I FINALLY took a much needed walk by myself.
It was about 7 o'clock...very cloudy, and windy. So in my sweatshirt pocket I had my mp3 player and I walked my lil' sick-feeling self all the way down a road by 2 cemeteries, a trashy sidewalk, and all the way to the end of the road where there was a pier. I walked onto it listening to my NY-Christian-music station...and seeing all these men and their sons fishing at the end of the pier. I had been crying on my walk so I stood off by myself from all the people. Standing on the middle of the pier and leaning over the side, I looked at the windy waters and watched the sun going down somewhere behind the clouds.
Can you picture it? Sometimes you just have to be there. Go somewhere where you get to see the ocean and the all the distance. Where the ocean touches the sky...that picture. And the way the wind blows through the water and how it blows across your face. So then I heard a song about letting you faith rise...reminding me that God is always faithful. Let me repeat. God is ALWAYS faithful. Even when we don't see it, because we don't see through His eyes...we're still reminded to trust Him. Because He is faithful to fill us with all that we need...which is His love. So I finally gave in and remembered how to let God love me...
And that was it. More than enough. I soaked it all in and took off walking back to my apartment with my re-newed and re-strengthened faith in the only one who holds my life together. God is so good to me.
And now, like I said, its been 6 months...and I'm ready to come home. To FEEL the love :) And then I'll get myself back up to my new home in Staten Island, NY. Because truthfully...my home is wherever God is...and He's everywhere...in everyone all around me. Who knows what will happen the rest of this first year? In 6 months ya just never know.... :)
